Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
