Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
