i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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