I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
