the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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