then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
