Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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