and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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