Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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