I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
