The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
