Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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