I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
