i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
