mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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