Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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