Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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