If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
