feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
