I accidentally burped into my bong.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
