Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
