Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
