ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
