ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
