she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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