Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
