I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
