She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize