no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
