True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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