He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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