i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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