Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
