I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
