are you still at the devil's house?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
