I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
