how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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