great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
