He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
