I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i love accidental penises.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
