also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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