So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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