Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
