I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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