Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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