Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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