Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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