how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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