i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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