After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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