dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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