Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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