capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
