K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
