Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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