The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
