Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
