hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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