I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
