So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
