my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
