I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I am full of burrito and curiosity
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
