my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
