At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
