I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
